My Instagram inbox became a graveyard of unwatched Reels.

15 people are waiting for me to watch what they’ve sent to me.

I stopped posting to Insta, just because I don’t want to expose being on the app, posting a pic, but ignoring the messages.

Occasionally someone asks “Is everything okay? I’ve sent you funny videos, but you haven’t commented on any of them.”

Sometimes in a conversation I don’t get a reference and I’m getting a much more straightforward “Do you even watch what I’m sending to you?”

The point is not “TikTok bad, book - good”

I’ve noticed that I’m accumulating social debt for something, that wasn’t even that intentional in the first place.

Every Reelationship has two sides

One person sends. One person watches.

The effort

The effort and intent can be very asymmetrical.

Sending a video doesn’t require a lot of effort. A person is just sharing something

Watching however is not quite effortless. You have to stop what you’re doing, turn on the sound, read the captions, understand the context, jokes and references and decide how to respond.

I think attention is a privilege. Let me explain,

The intent

The receiver experiences the Reel as “My friend thought of me <3”

Sometimes a clip really means “this made me think of you”. At other times, it means “who in my contacts might enjoy this?” - selects 5 people at once.

In each case a clip feels personal to both sender and receiver, because it arrives in a one-on-one conversation. The process can resemble broadcasting to a small, carefully selected audience more than making a personal recommendation.

22 hours a year

“fanpage karma” says that the most frequently posted videos are 11-30 seconds long, followed by 30-60 seconds long.

https://www.fanpagekarma.com/insights/optimal-tiktok-video-length

Consider a moderately active group of five friends. Each one sends you ten videos a week.

I’m going to be a bit conservative in my assumptions. Based on the data above, I’m assuming that an average Reel length is 30 seconds.

If five friends sent you each ten videos per week, that’s fifty videos, that’s already 25 minutes of focused attention every week.

That’s almost 22 hours a year!

Attention is a privilege

Honestly, I’m happy to give my time and attention to people I’m actually close with. Send me your favorite meme, a song you can’t stop listening to or a news article. I want to know what my best friend is up to, I want to know what my mom finds funny and which things my work bestie finds important at this moment.

The thing is, that out of 15 people regularly sending me Reels, I was actually in touch with only 3 or 4. Others weren’t strangers, but we weren’t a big part of each other’s lives anymore.

Some of them were incredibly important to me at some point. I’m wondering if sharing Reels was us trying to keep at least some sort of contact.

I’ve tried to come up with a list of questions you could ask yourself to try to understand the dynamic and intention of a particular “reelationship”.

These are not the questions to “test” whether your friendship is real, but more a helper to understand if the Reels-dynamic is supporting an existing relationship or replacing one.

1. When was the last time you had a meaningful live conversation with the person?
2. Do you have any activities planned in the near future? (FaceTime would do it)
3. Do you know what the person is currently worried about, excited about or busy with?
4. When was the last time either of you shared something personal?
5. Are you both sharing equally, or has one become the broadcaster and the other the audience?

A short form etiquette guide?

Here are some small rules that might make sharing reels more intentional.

You don’t have to adopt all of them, one may already be enough.

Set the three-unwatched-Reels limit with your friends Try not to leave each other with more than three unwatched Reels at once. This is going to control the volume and make the process of sharing more intentional. You both will have to decide which TikToks you’ve seen were actually the best and worth sharing.

Add a bit of context When you send a Reel or TikTok add a sentence expaining why you found it funny or interesting.

Something like “This reminded me of that terrible Airbnb we stayed in”

Send clips outside of an app where you’re viewing them Copy link and send it via WhatsApp or iMessage. Remove the preview from the message. Added friction might make things more intentional and personal.

Expect no reaction by default Give space to not watch or react, no guilt. We all have things going on outside of inboxes, our mood can change, life can have a sudden turn. Make ignoring an occasional Reel acceptable. Sending a clip should be an offer, not an assignment.

Do a tiny weekly “best of the internet” night (my personal favorite) Bring some popcorn and drinks, meet somewhere, and watch your favorite clips together. Set a limit. Perhaps 20 between everyone. Treat it as a lighter alternative to a movie night.

It creates a space where online activity is being transferred offline and videos are encouraging actual conversations.

Attention is a privilege. Not because your time is more valuable than anyone else’s. But simply because giving genuine attention requires time, focus and energy. Sending something should be an offer, not an assignment.